What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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