Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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