There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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