party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
