Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
