you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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