Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
When did angry sex become our thing?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
