I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
