Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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