I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
