My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
