there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
