Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
