your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
