the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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