youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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