Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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