She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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