Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
