Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
