I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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