Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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