five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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