There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
