You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
