I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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