I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
