I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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