Who wears a wallet chain?!
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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