I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
