my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
