btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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