my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
