So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
