omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
