omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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