I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
