when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
