so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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