I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
