Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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