omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i believe in u and ur pee
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
