Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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