mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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