Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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