i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
