just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
