I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
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