Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
