yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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